Keeping offences & score generally colours your perspective and outlook on relationships. Past Trauma, even unidentified by you, will colour your perspective of what genuine care is. Our subconscious minds will accept selfish behaviours from others as normal if you don’t allow old wounds to heal.
A history of childhood abandonment will cause you to see being taken for granted as attractive and will make you turn away people who truly care for you. And even though your conscious mind disagrees with that, your old programmed subconscious mind will choose for you before you can be aware. The reason for this is because the subconscious mind sees repetition as a comfort zone. So the reason some people are drawn to chaotic people is because their subconscious minds have historically been programmed with chaotic relationships, thus though we may feel we want peace, we are subconsciously drawn more towards chaos.
Until we are mindfully reprogrammed and re-mentored by ideal examples and a vision of what healthy relationships should be, we will be prone to repeat old unhelpful cycles. This is the reason that people who tell themselves I will never be like my dad or my mother end up in the same behaviours they once detested.
Until you accept that you were taught faulty patterns of what healthy relationships should look like with yourself and also with others, reformulation of godly, healthy patterns often become elusive.
Every time you enter a relationship with another, there’s also a relationship with yourself that is present. The best version that shows up in a relationship depends on how well you’re comfortable and acquainted in the relationship to yourself. If you don’t have enough love for yourself, the love you likely give will be substandard. And if that love for others originates from an inauthentic place it will likely result in an emotional burnout. After burning out, what you initially thought was love for another will now look like resentment. Because after every relational burnout, the reality of what your true relationship to yourself was will be exhibited in relationship to the other party.
When you are self-aware with real truth, fed by godly mentorship & scripturally sound examples, your mind formulates the right vision for how you should be treated. When you treat yourself right, speak right to yourself, invest in yourself, consider yourself, prioritise yourself, show kindness to yourself, forgive yourself, protect yourself, are objective & truthful with yourself, you give yourself enough chance to show up as the healthiest, best & most authentic version of you in any relationship.
We must have healthy standards, boundaries and non-negotiables that guide & guard us in navigating relationships. We must determine that healthy standards like respect, loyalty, truthfulness and genuine concern are the traits we want to be known by in our relationships. When you have healthy standards, it sets the tone for the genuineness we can expect from others because we already have them for ourselves. For example, if being touched inappropriately is a boundary issue for you, you must speak up and enforce it. If sensual conversations are uncomfortable, you must address that too. If gossip is disrespectful to you, clarify your stance to others. Also, if being taken for granted, and last minute flaking of appointments is an issue to you, never overlook or justify it for others. In relationships, words are important, but actions are defining.
Talking about incongruity between actions & words, I have noticed people getting heartbroken because they do not get the full complement of aligned words and actions. When someone says “I love you”, and you feel you love them too and are willing to redefine that friendship, make sure both of you are on the same page in terms of words. After that, please vet their actions for consistency. If someone tells you they love you but their actions are telling you they take you for granted, please hold them accountable and if they can’t pivot, then please return your heart to yourself. In this age of unclear intentions and undefined actions, you must prioritise clarity to protect your heart at all costs.
Concluding by serving biblical examples of how to treat yourself right includes Jesus knowing men sought for him and yet still took time off to rest, to spend time by himself, pray and refresh himself. Peter felt he was loyal to Jesus. Question is, was he truly loyal to himself? Peter looked like he might have struggled to put others before himself and thus often betrayed himself and his truest interests even as Paul referenced in Galatians. That’s why the Lord questioned him by asking “Do you love me?” to a true self awareness of his love for him & helped him to truly accept his commission and assignment. King Saul was one who derived validation from the people and lacked the authentic moral compass to hold his own in true obedience and thus lost the kingship. An example of true authenticity is that David was true to himself and King Saul when he admitted he didn’t fit in Saul’s body armour. We must truly know what works for us and what doesn’t work.
We must hold ourselves to a healthy and true authentic standard in a way that helps us to hold others accountable in a healthy way. Keep loving, love yourself and then love others. We are created to love and to be loved.